Is there such a thing as mom-insomnia? If so, I think I have it. The zerker is sleeping pretty solidly from 9:30pm-ish to 5:30-6:30am-ish, I on the otherhand am waking up pretty much every hour. I know it is part fallout from waking up with her over the past three months and part from constantly feeling the need to make sure she is breathing, but it is going to have to give soon enough. I am sleeping, it is just not good sleep, and I wake up feeling tired still.
I haven't been working out like I should either. It is really hard to find a good time to get to the gym. I don't feel comfortable leaving her with the caretakers there, since we did that once and the caretaker consisted of one teenager standing in the midst of 15 screaming kids of all ages. Let's just say it was very hard for me to make it through the 25 minute walk on the treadmill watching the girl carry the zerker around admist chaos. I think it would have been fine if she had left her in the carrier. I am sure she thought 'Oohh! Cute baby! I must hold!', but um...it scared me.
So I am looking forward to warmer weather so I can go to the park and walk in the mornings with Nadie, the Zerker and the dogs. The dogs will definitely appreciate it. The winter is so tough for them because they don't get near the excercise they need. Me too dogs, me too.... (notice adorable rainbow baby legs and fact that dog becomes baby couch...)
Fear and Loathing in My Head
And then I have this underlying sense of dread/unsteadiness/insecurity at the pit of my stomach. It isn't about anything in particular. We are doing ok, jobs, house, baby...all is fine and if it isn't i know we will get through whatever...so that isn't the stress....it is bigger than that (if that is possible)...like a weight above me...I feel like chicken little and the sky is falling. When I get like this I end up muttering negative things about myself under my breath. And then I forcibly stop myself and mutter positive things to myself and look like a crazy lady. I already have the random hairs from PCOS, so I could be approaching the crazy bearded lady that pushes a cart down the street in a mumu.
At 4am this morning I thought three things...1. I need to work out. 2. I need to consider seeing that therapist again. 3. Maybe I would benefit from medication. It isn't affecting my job or my marriage or my kid, but I don't want to risk it. And, it is affecting my quality of life. And, I am so blessed...I really want to enjoy my blessings to the fullest. Ugh.
If Michigan State beats Louisville (they are playing right now) I could win my work pool. Nifty. I only picked Michigan State because: they were seeded No. 2, I didn't want to put all the no.1 seeds in the final four, and they are a Big Ten School. Go Spartans.
If you are regular reader of my blog you know that I love the elipse...well you might not have thought about it...but I do....and sometimes I will add an extra period in for good measure...
This week Zerker was especially cute (well, she always is...but I am biased....) She has really started noticing her hands, so I went and got some dangling rings and a gym to over her. She already had one at her caregiver's house, but we didn't have one at home. She started with swatting and has already progressed to grabbing and pulling. I am so proud of her.
Also, the zerker is fantabulous about sleeping. I still really haven't put her on a schedule. I just listen for her cues. She definitely gives the cues and is content to be put in her carrier with a pacifier and her blanket where she soothes herself to sleep.
She is such a smiley happy baby. I am so amazed by her. We went to a baby shower this weekend for one of my college friends(It was GREAT to see everyone and I am so excited for the newbie on its way!) and she was happy to be passed along...as long as the people passing didn't mind a little spitup here and there...
Oh the little monkey....:)
PS notice that I changed my blogger profile name and picture...if you are used to me commenting on your blogs I will show up as beebles now....it is a nickname from college...