Thursday, April 30, 2009


The weekend before last we visited my lovely alma mater. It was dreary outside, but Providence was at work - because lots of people that I really wanted to expose the Zerker to were there....

The E in Zerker comes from a very special person.
One of those people you meet and you are blown away.

When I was a wee one of 18 I visited SMWC. The first teacher I met, the first Sister of Providence I met, the first real person of my beloved college was Ellen.

And over the next four years we formed a wonderful bond.

She became my academic advisor, professor, work study supervisor, and most importantly, friend. You know when you go through that phase and you don't connect with your parents anymore? She was the one mentor I connected to then that I knew woud love me no matter what. I feel like I learned about unconditional love from her.

And through the years we have maintained that friendship.
Of course, we don't have the time to sit in her office and wax poetically about my latest college girl frustration, we do keep in touch. She was my 'Sister Companion' on my journey to become a Providence Associate.

I cannot express how much it means to me that she has made herself so available to me on this journey. She is the definition of why you designate a namesake.

(oh and this summer...she celebrates her Golden Jubilee...50 years devoted to Providence...amazing....)

All I Need is Everything

Monday, April 27, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday - Cataract Falls

Lori says that Perfect Moment Monday is not about creating moments, but noticing them.

Sometimes, though, I can feel these moments being created...not intentionally...or even by me...I did not make the sun shine this weekend...I only saw that it was coming and took advantage of the situation...

So this weekend Nadie and I took the Zerker to Cataract Falls. I love going here because it is simple beauty. It is not part of a large park, and there are only a few things to do there. There is just enough to fill a Saturday afternoon.....

We ate a picnic lunch.

Looked at the big waterfall.

Looked at the Covered Bridge.

Drove down to the lower falls and walked the trail in a loop twice in our new Jogging stroller (I am totally stoked that I got this stroller for $45 at a garage sale).

There were so many beautiful things to look at.

And by that time we were all pooped and ready to go home.

And it was good.

It was an afternoon of perfect moments. Even the time when the Zerker was crying on the way to the car before the walk because she wanted a bottle and had a dirty diaper. Her cries are getting so character-like. You would think she was experiencing a major life crisis whenever she decides that she desperately needs a bottle or changed right this instant....My 'oh no! mommy must fix it!' feelings are turning into holding back laughter because she seems so dramatic. Not that I want to hear it for long periods of time...but that doesn't happen too often.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Show and Tell - make something cool

Show and Tell
It is that time again. Time to sit in a circle with our legs crossed and see what our classmates have brought to share.

Children mentioned and sort of pictured.
A few weeks ago a friend pointed out a group of photos someone had on Flickr that were called MSCE or Make Something Cool Everyday.

This idea has been festering in the back of my mind...make something cool...make something cool...
if you read my most recent post, you know that I have been playing with Gimp and Inkscape. Gotta love free software (except that inkscape crashed on me like a gazillion times when making my show and tell picture).

I don't have the time, being a new momma and a working momma and a fur momma and a wifey momma and all that stuff, to make something cool EVERY day...but maybe I can make something cool every few here is one of my efforts...

I know it is sort of spooky. I love this picture of the Zerker...and I like making it a basis for something I like this....if you don't - s'alright - i still do! The album this is part of is where I will be keeping my MSC stuff...
i also thought maybe MSC would be a cool weekly sharing project with a mr linky and all...but I don't know if I am committed that much to sharing and there are so many good sharing projects out there...well I am just not sure...what do you all think?

Don't forget to see what the rest of class is sharing!

Thursday, April 23, 2009


I am listening to 'Eat, Pray, Love' during my commute right now. (I drive to the office three days a week, and it is 45 minutes I 'read' my books via my iPod on the way to and from...)
And I know it is so Oprah cliche...but hey, it is making me think, so that is good.

So back to the point...she references how places have a word that defines them, and goes on to say that people have a word that defines them. The word can change with what they are going through, but it should encompass the point of the journey they are on. While she is in Rome she is told by a friend that Rome's word is 'Sex.'

So this got me thinking about what my word is right now. My first thought was 'create,' but maybe it is 'kaleidoscope.'

I know that the first year of motherhood can be stressful. I understand that I need to be patient with myself. Over the past few months I have oscillated from deliriously happy to extremely unstable and worried. I know a lot has to do with hormones, but it is also just part of the transition.

I did go back to therapy - because I believe it is my responsibility to work through things rather than just suffering. I will not live like chicken little! The sky is NOT falling!

Still, I do not just wake up one morning and become a different person. It is a process. And at first it was making me kooky, then I suppose I started moving to the next phase. Oh, but I AM becoming a different person. Not entirely someone else...just more than who I was.

I like it.
Actually, I love it.

My job is moving into this new phase where I get to be uber creative. Okay, so it is uber geeky creative - but not in the 'look-at-this-cool-formula-i-built-in-excel' or the 'i-just-spent-35-hours-writing-specs-about-site-security' or the 'look-at-my-fancy-SQL-query' is a clean slate. It is starting at ground zero and designing something new.
I have spent all of my working life inside a box...a specific platform...going from supporting to training to implementing to managing that platform...but it has always been within that platform. There is creativity there, but mostly creativity with bandaids...doing what we can within the confines of what exists, the path of least resistance...

and now we are making a transition to get away from that box....and it is a paradigm shift for me...but it is fracking cool...

and oh the baby girl...the amazing Zerker...she makes me want to be creative...assuming a new role in life...becoming the momma...means i have to change my if I am changing, I had better know what stays and what goes...

reinvention of self...reclaiming what is me and adding to is awesome.

- I installed Gimp and Inkscape (Free photo editing and illustrating software) and am teaching myself how to use them.
- I played around with scrapblog one weekend (hence the new header for the blog).
- I made a new lanyard for my work ID badge out of girlie ribbon belts.
- I got some cool new shoes (they match my new lanyard - haha).
- I made a notebook by covering the binding of a scrapbook paper tablet with a brown paper bag and am using it to take notes at the office.
- I cut bangs in my hair! I have been thinking about this since december.
- I bought a bass guitar and I am learning to play it so I can play bass when I jam with some friends next month. I am a singer and I have 'talked' about getting a bass guitar for ten years. I had guitar lessons in college and used to play in church. My bachelors is in Math and Music...I am not getting any younger. I really want to do it. I think it would be k*ck*ss if I played bass and sang in a band. We will see if the band happens. We WILL jam though, and that will be fun.

All of these mods...I keep feeling like a Kaleidoscope. Like things are switching to a new cool view...they may change again..but I am holding the lense and watching things as they is beautiful.

The lense is my marriage. The lense is my daughter. The lense is my vocation.
And it shifts and it brings different colors. Not everything is easy, but it IS beautiful.

I keep thinking of this song:
My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the everchanging view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold
Tapestry - Carole King

And I made this with Gimp....

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hello my name is...

Hello ICLWers!
This is my first ICLW. It is pretty cool to get to know more bloggers.

As for a little bit about myself and where I am on the journey....

I am married - almost 4 years. I affectionately refer to DH as Nadie.

I have PCOS. We tried to concieve for three years, one of them with medical help before getting PG. I blogged during our TTC time at

We now have a 3.5 month old little girl. I call her the Zerker. She is freaking amazing.

This blog is about my life unfolding...assuming the role of a mother, loving and caring for my husband, moving into new areas of work, my relationships, spirituality, things i find interesting, basically whatever I feel like...welcome to my world!

Beebles is a nickname some of my friends gave me in college. My email address was bbell for a long time (until I got married and my name changed!) and it was way more fun to say beebles.

I have a post forming in my head about kaleidescopes and the space I am in right now...will try to post by the end of the week.

Now I gotta get to work...

Monday, April 20, 2009


Guess what the Zerker is totally into right now?

Perfect Moment Monday - Stars Shine Brighter

Lori says that Perfect Moment Monday is not about creating moments, but noticing them.

It is honoring the sacredness of these days we call life.

This memory of this moment struck me a few weeks ago, and I thought it would be best to write it down and share.

When I was a junior in college two of my friends came to my house for the first few days of spring break. The first night we went out into the field in front of my house and looked up at the stars.

The sky, in all it's magnificence, was full of twinkling little stars. I never really thought much about it. I mean, I grew up with those twinklers, so why would I think they were especially brilliant.

My friends though, being city-folk, they were amazed, befuddled, in awe, substitute any other word for amazement.

You see, I grew up in a cabin in the forest. It is on a hill in the middle of nowhere, where on a clear night you can see the night sky in its true form. I never thought much about it, I had never lived in a city at that point - even my college was out of the way. And when I visited city lights I was always in awe.

That night I realized that there are very few people that get to live with that brilliance on a daily basis. I need to get back to that brilliance. I need my daughter to know it too. I hope she knows it so well she takes it for granted too. I want nature to be, well, natural for her. No fear of bugs or dirt - just a part of life.

Appreciating what I had been giving all those nights in the 18 years I lived there - and really recognizing/understanding it - that was a perfect moment.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Show and Tell - Race for the Cure

Show and Tell
It is that time again.
Children mentioned and pictured.

Today was gorgeous here in Indiana - warm, bright, blue skies with white puffy clouds....and today was the Race for the Cure! We had a great time.

Race for the Cure benefits breast cancer research and treatment. The majority of the funds go to the area doing the benefit. We aren't quite at our goal, so if you feel like donating to a great cause, there is a link on the right side bar.

We ended up walking in the 1 mile family walk because Nadie was afraid that the Zerker would get too hot in the for 3.1 miles. They said we couldn't use strollers on the 5K. So we just walked the one mile. It was very fun. So much that when I suggested we go to an uber expensive restaurant for lunch, and Nadie asked if we won the lottery, I said that I felt like I did - not monetarily, but love-wise - yes - with him and the Zerker....

um...that was kind of is a video(i have great transitions)...

(sorry for the shaky camera - I don't usually walk and tape at the same time and I pretty much suck anyways :-) )

I have decided to embrace this as my year of Pink. I have been against pink for quite some time. I never really gave pink a chance. I thought - 'Pink is a stereotype for girlie things - and girlie things make you weak - so no pink for me or my baby' not so much. I bought a pair of shoes for me with pink in them. I am learning that Pink can be empowering. And Girls are girlie, but that doesn't make them weak! I can be girlie too....and I can still be strong.

After the walk the Zerker was very tired!

We went to Shapiro's Deli for some yummy food. I have dreams about their tangy german potato salad....

Go see what the rest of the class is sharing!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Welcome Delainey Marie

Delainey Marie was born at 1am on April 14, 2009. She was at 26 weeks one day gestational age. They were able to get two steroid injections to help her lungs to develop before delivery.

She is tiny at 1lb 12 ozs. She is already off of the respirator, but still on the CPAP. She is breathing room air.

We present to you - the Zerker's first BFF, the God Daughter of Nadie and I....

Delainey Marie....

Keep the prayers coming.

We have been waiting for this little girl, so anxious for the Zerker to meet her. We hope they become bestest of friends. They announced their pregnancy on Christmas eve and Nadie kept going on and on about how it better be a girl! Zerker's BFF is what we have called her since we found out she was a girl.

Being part of the ALI community helped prepare me for what to expect in this situation, but I know that my brother and SIL have a long road ahead of them. They are being very strong and I am proud of them. July seems like eons from now - but that is when we should expect to even think about bringing her home. Every day is precious....

We love you, Delainey! We can't wait to play with you!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Prayers Needed

My Sister-In-Law's water ruptured last night. She is 25 weeks 4 days pregnant with my little niece.
The MD told her to wait until this morning to come in, and when they did it was confirmed that she has lost much of her amniotic fluid.

They first sent her to Bloomington Hospital, then sent her via ambulance to St. Vincent's in Indy so that she is close to Riley Children's Hospital.

As far as I know they are keeping her on antibiotics and hospital bedrest for as long as possible.

Please pray (or however you practice faith/spiritualism) that our little niece can stay in the womb as long as possible and that she is strong.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Quarterly Review - Updated

Age: 3 Months

Physical Output:
Smiles all the time
Progressed from batting at toys to grabbing and pulling
Will hold toys while seated
Can almost sit up by herself, needs little support
Loves to stand with support
'Allegedly' rolled over - unconfirmed by momma or daddy :) - confirmed by momma and daddy on Friday!

Verbal Output:
began with 'uuuuuuuh'
progressed to long and loud oohs and ahs
will sing with momma
now has character like squeals of delight

Sleep Progression:
began at 1 - 2 hours between feedings
now will sleep up to 10 hours in the evening

Edible Input:
eats 4 - 6 ozs at a time...usually 4, but has eaten 6 when exceptionally hungry

Diaper Size: 1

Length: over 23.5 inches
Weight: probably about 12.5 lbs(I was way off on the 15 pounds!) - true amount unknown until 4 month dr visit
Net Operating Income: incalcuable

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I am so blessed.
When I was five years old I met C. Since then, well...she is my girl.
I don't think I have any other relationship like is unconditional Love....not just is unconditional totally awesomeness....I mean I feel so freaking blessed that there is someone I can talk to about anything and it doesn't matter what I say - they understand and I am before we get this wrong - my parents think I am WAY COOL....but C understands me...she and I...we are of the same vein...we are one...we didn't plan it, but we totally think the other person rocks...

C and I went to see Brandi Carlile tonight. I saw that she was coming into town and I had to go. I told her and she agreed to come, even though she doesn't even listen to you.

so, tonight nadie watched the zerker...
i almost backed out of it because i couldn't stand being away from the zerker...and nadie was going to take her and pick her up, but I couldn't NOT see her in the evening, so I picked the Zerker up, fed her and nadie came home and her...
and i went to a concert
it was awesome
it was brandi carlile
and i loved it
totally my music
but the wierdest thing....
for the past two weeks i have had a song in my head
i know for a fact that during my monday devel meeting i typed the words to 'creep' out on my blackberry during my notes....i really couldn't tell you why...i wasn't feeling outcasted...and i do love that song...but i even thought my need to expell the lyrics was wierd...i remember wanting to type it last week...and i was singing it this morning...i am pretty sure i can get the guy in the office next to me to vouch for me here....

and then she sang it....and i was totally weirded was fracking awesome...i really do feel like i was intuiting that she was going to perform it....i really had no fracking idea and was blown away

Another wierd thing...this past saturday a random thought about a girl that I went to school with came into my head. Specifically it I thought about her and her sister (who was older than us but really popular). I was not really great friends with her, but she popped into my head, along with her sister and their relationship for some random reason. Where am I going with this??? When I came back to my seat at the conference the group of people asked me if I was a 'INSERT MAIDEN NAME'...they were from my hometown (an hour and a half away)...and they recognized me. I looked over and the girl's sister was in the group of people. It was fracking crazy. Then C told me that she and her sister (C's sister) talked about the same sisters within the past month - these are people we barely have any connection to and don't really affect our lives. It is like we both had a premonition that we would be seeing that girl's sister at the concert....

it made me glad that i went...because i felt like i was supposed to go...i needed some C time...

Monday, April 6, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday

Lori@Weebles Wobble says, 'Perfect Moment Monday is more about noticing a perfect moment than about creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.'

Check out what other people are sharing at her blog, and maybe share your own!

Here is a perfect moment for this rainy and cold Monday.

Children mentioned.

Our dogs are so sweet. They really do want to please us in every thing they do. Still, I know they need to feel valued and loved. They are really very great with the Zerker, they steer clear except to smell her. Er, well, sometimes Gus (the mini-aussie)will give her a quick lick. Also, I know Starbuck (the golden) has begun to recognize baby crying on television shows. He has wanted a kid for several years, and he always gives us this look when he sees them - like 'Can I have one of those, please?'

I don't think he has yet realized that the Zerker will be his best friend sooner than he knows it.

I am going to be honest here. I know they need more attention. We haven't been the best dog owners since the Zerker came along... and I am pretty sure we will get better at it...being able to care for the baby and the dogs and cats at the same time. Right now, though, they are probably not as content as they were before. They don't show it, of course, always uber excited to see us and ready to play.

This weekend I went and bought a brand new batch of tennis balls. I sat with the Zerker on the couch and tossed the ball across the room. For a little while Nadie held the zerker and she just watched the dogs go back and forth. She smiled and looked interested in their athleticism.

And that was a perfect the good boys some TLC and knowing they were having a fantastic time....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Race for the Cure

Nadie, the Zerker and I will be walking in this years Indy Race for the Cure. If you feel compelled, we would SOOOO love it if you could donate a few bucks for the cause...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Show and Tell - The Daffodil Fields

Show and Tell
It is that time again. Go see what everyone else is sharing!

Children mentioned and pictured.

There is a little observatory that is not too far from my home. It isn't really used for research anymore because the lights of the city take away from its effectiveness. Still, that isn't the reason I think it is so cool.

The observatory was funded by Dr. Goethe Link. He was an amateur astronomist. I guess he spent a lot of time at the observatory. So while he did all that sky watching his wife, Helen, was collecting and cultivating different types of daffodils. She was a botanist and former Vice-President of the American Daffodil Society. Who knew a whole society exists for daffodils???? Do they let Jonquil lovers into their group?

Anyways, back in the 80's the NYT did a story on her.

A path through the woods by the observatory leads to a field where her spoils continue to thrive. It is a bit of beauty and wonder in this messy world.
Daffodils are probably my favorite flower.
Today I took the Zerker there took pictures in her Easter dress.
It was beautiful.

'For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.'

William Wordsworth

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Writer's Workshop - Banging Toes

Check out Mama Kat to see what other's have to say.

In what ways are you turning into your mother?

Banging toes...
That is the first thing that comes to my mind...I am like my mother right now because there have been several times over the past year where I have banged my toe against a swing or toy or book or anything and pretty much think that I broke it. Right now my baby toe on my right foot is sore. I am sure I rammed against something a few days ago.

What does this have to do with my mother? Ever since I can remember my mom has had issues with keeping her toes in tact. Perhaps it was hard to keep toys out from under foot when she was taking care of nine kids. I can't count on my hands how many times she injured one of her ten little Indians....

I am sure there are other ways that I am like my mother. I hope I have her sense of humor, but I can't tell a joke like she can.

I wish I was as fertile as she was in her prime. She spent pretty much 16 years of her life being pregnant - with a few months in between. And with all of that experience I don't remember any time during my pregnancy when I felt like she was giving unwanted advice. Actually, I came to her with the no assvice even from the lady who had the background to give it.

I hope I am as good of a momma to my little girl as she was. I hope I dedicate my time to whatever the Zerker digs like she did for me.

And when I am done, I don't mind a few injured toes. :)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A year ago today

A year ago today my body began the cycle that produced my darling Zerker. We were heading into the unknown of our first medicated fertility cycle. What I feared would end up being just another April Fool's joke on me, ended up being the beginning of the best year of my life so far...

I am so excited to see how the rest of the years unfold!

And I am her fool....

In case I forget anything that happened over the past year I wanted to take a few quick notes....

• Being pregnant with the Zerker was a breeze.
• After the first month of scary RE-ness thinking that I was miscarrying or that she was ectopic, there was not a lot of issues.
• I didn't have much nausea.
• I WAS tired a lot.
• I generally felt OK until 30 weeks when my back broke down on me, but after I stopped working out I was fine.
• 37+weeks was not that big of a deal as far as being uncomfortable.
• I totally missed being able to roll over in bed and get up and down with ease.
• There was no need for all that worry about my water breaking - when it happens I will know - it smells different.
• Feeling her inside of me was amazing. Kicking - rolling - being goofy.
• Maybe next time (if I do have another kid) I won't be so worried and will be able to enjoy being pregnant more.
• Not being able to drink alcohol was not so bad. After a few months the thought of a beer or a glass of wine sounded disgusting. Now I don't even like drinking so much, and I am glad of that.

• Labor was not so bad. Not nearly as scary as I made it out to be. OK the part where they called for all the nurses on the floor to come and did an emergency insertion of the fetal monitor on her head was scary. The rest of it - not so much.
• Epidurals are nice.
• C-sections are OK and after 20 hours of labor - they are welcome.
• She is SOOOO worth it.